CSI Montgomery: The Dystopian Future of US Law Enforcement

By Stig Jorgenschulter, Reporting from Princeton, New Jersey

Our staffers have been uncovering the murky world of global crime for a special holiday edition of The Turunn Tribune due to be issued on the eve of Sweden’s National Herring Week. Reporters have been dispatched to criminal hell-holes across the planet; I drew the short straw of reporting from the USA–the world leader in violent crime–choosing Montgomery County in the heart of New Jersey, a state with a reputation for its mob rule and drunken debauchery. I was not disappointed.

I spent a day with Lieutenant Brad Bradley III.  Montgomery PD starts early; I joined Brad in the gym at 5am where the force works-out in order to prepare them for the day ahead. The officers need to be on the streets at 6.30am to have sufficient presence during the school commute. Lt. Bradley showed me his favorite tree to hide behind. “They never see me here” he grinned, pointing the radar gun from the Dodge Charger, “due to the high Chinese population they have an advanced hedge-fund management pre-school program for the K9 kids; there’s always late-comers”.  Sure enough, in the clearly-marked 25-mph zone, a Honda Accord proceeding at 45 mph was stopped by Officer Bradley after just 5 minutes behind the tree. The action didn’t stop there as Bradley stopped multiple vehicles, “it’s like shooting fish in a barrel; ‘cept I don’t usually shoot ’em” he cracked.

Exhausted from the morning’s action I trailed Bradley on his daily routine. A haircut; back to the gym; fill-in the paperwork from the morning’s arrests, a coffee and pancake at PJ’s Pancake House and then back to the streets for the after-school period. Intimidated by their their impressive fleet of Chargers, I asked Bradley how many crimes they get in Montgomery: “We’re expecting more than 120 total incidents in 2016” he boasted (and he was right; 123 to be exact). Police pay is commensurate with this exacting lifestyle, with suburban officers often remunerated in six figures.

The Charger’s computer display suddenly started flashing. The message “P-CAT alert” was visible. Concerned, I asked Bradley what this was. “I can’t talk about P-CAT sir” he told me in a hushed voice.

As a reporter this secrecy was like a hoglenshaffle to a blutenspfhor.

My subsequent research showed that Township officials, in conjunction with the PD, have launched operation P-CAT to enforce the new cat licensing program. Officers have been issued special cat-detection equipment that will enable them to detect unlicensed animals directly from their Chargers. The revenue projection from P-CAT is substantial and the Township plan to re-invest. In an off-the-record interview I found out that the program will become drone-enabled in early 2017.

I leave you with this chilling vision of future law enforcement. A dystopian image of cybernetic cat crime capture, a future state of unmanned flying robots capable of scouring the suburbs for feline felons; a world of unlicensed-cat ghettos in areas of New Jersey where police are distracted by crimes committed by humans.