Record Unemployment Among Burglars

Stig Joorgen continues our special season on global crime leading up to Sweden’s Hurring Festtivalle (Herring Festival)

As there has been no crime in Sweden since its abolition under the 1645 Hoogerslechhen–a medieval Swedish law that made all crime illegal–The Tribune travelled to a European neighbor with crime rates higher than the current Swedish per capita crime rate of 0/100000 citizens.

The United Kingdom has a rich criminal history that it exports internationally, as schoolchildren worldwide joyfully sing “you’ve got to pick a pocket or two” to school play audiences of fawning parents. However life is not as rosy for London criminals as it was in Dickens’ day. Unemployment among professional burglars is soaring in the British capital. “There’s just not the opportunity for young thieves these days” according to Brian Thorpe of London’s Unemployment Exchange.

“These kids were raised by their fathers in the English way of petty crime and burglary but now they’re finding themselves without sufficient goods to burglarize. In layman’s terms there is a chronic shortage of stuff to steal”.

The Turunn Tribune interviewed Bill Stykes of 38b Sunset Close, New Malden, Surrey, KT3. He confessed that:

“There just ain’t stuff to nick anymore. When I was a nipper [editors note: translation is kinderschloofer] we used to break into houses and get color TVs in the 70s, then the 80s and nineties were bloody great–video players, DVD players, stereo systems, all that stuff used to sell for good nicker down the pub. Now what do I have? Bloody Chinese mini bluetooth speakers and iPhones that the FBI can’t crack. Even their cash is in the bloody Cloud. Please don’t give my name for this story, the law are still after me for the Hatton Garden thing”.

The UK National Careers Service is providing retraining for the burgeoning cadre of unemployed thieves. Brian Thorpe again:

“We’re running courses on basic computer literacy and internet fundamentals, but quite honestly cyber crime is a struggle for many of this generation of criminals. They want stuff they can put in a van and drive off with, there’s just no excitement in spending all day phishing for digital signature algorithms”.

Bleak news for the UK underworld; until a solution can be found today’s villains remain just a statistic; a significant percentage of their country’s unemployed and unemployable.