United McKingdom Predicted to Stay in the Euro Peeling Onion

Two more damaging revelations have surfaced in the embarrassing wake of the Boaty McBoatface debacle. The pride of the British armed forces–their Royal Navy–has admitted that they too staged a referendum to name one of the new Queen Elizabeth generation of aircraft carriers. As a result the third of these supercarriers is to be named the HMS Foffo Spearjig, narrowly beating the rival title HMS Krafty McKarrier.

The Foffo Spearjig is the last vessel in the so-called “deep strike package” and will join its sister ships the HMS Queen Elizabeth and HMS Prince of Wales in the second half of the next decade. Exclusive research by The Turunn Tribune has revealed that the moniker chosen is that of a little-known 1980s-era TV “hard man” character whose catchphrase was “I felt nowt” (trans: schrudell jorgenflacht)

Partners across the Atlantic have expressed growing concerns about mounting future joint campaigns in which their equivalent new carrier, the USS Enterprise, would be paired with the Spearjig. A Pentagon spokesman has been quoted off-record as saying that there is significant potential for “collateral comedic damage” from such a pairing. Or, as put more bluntly to TTT by a Pentagon staffer “we want to cause our enemies to lose control of themselves through fear not because they’re wetting themselves laughing”.

More disturbing still, the British government has pronounced that the decision on whether to remain in the European Union will be made by the same populace who voted for Boaty, rather than employing economic and political experts who understand the complex ramifications of the choice. Officials are worried about the “McBoatface Scenario”, where under arcane UK ballot legislation–dating from the 17th century where it guaranteed that feudal lords could always sheave their tronage–voters can legally add additional questions to the ballot. This scenario could play out if British voters become aware of this right and organize on social media to include multiple choice questions on the name of the United Kingdom and its European allies. A spokesperson for the constitutional law quango working to block this possibility told TTT “we will ensure that the referendum does not lead to any unfortunate renaming of Great Britain or our European nation-state partners. We have every confidence in the people of this great nation to make the right decision; they fully understand the monumental microeconomic and macroeconomic implications of this referendum”

S. Broosjjl reporting from Brussels McSproutyplace