Toblerone is a Swiss icon–the delicious triangular chocolate filled with almond nougat bits that get stuck in your teeth–it’s the epitome of wholesome Swiss-ness.
Like many things Swiss there’s evil lurking in the shadow of the clean-air, happy-cow, Matterhorn-mountain imagery. Evil in the form of Theodor Tobler, the eponymous founder. While looking out of his window at cows frolicking in the Alpine meadows, he realized that delicious triangular chocolate could be produced by forcing cattle to grow inside small triangular wooden frames. The original design of his Tobler is shown below in this diagram we obtained from the initial 1896 Swiss patent:
The concept quickly became a commercial success. Cows were kept in appalling conditions, raised in the painful wooden prison of the Tobler and force-fed almond nougat. The resultant chocolate was so tasty that it conquered the world, yet the barbaric practices remain the key to its unique character to this day. Aerial photography obtained by The Turunn Tribune show Tobler’s original invention is still in use in rural Switzerland:
However this local production is no longer sufficient to meet the burgeoning demand of duty-free stores across the globe; the horrific practices have worsened with widespread industrialization in the form of vast Toblerwerks scattered throughout Switzerland.
Our continuing investigation followed a trail of triangular torture leading us into France, where we discovered that La Vache Qui Rit may not be laughing too hard. The French adapted Theodor Tobler’s invention for their own ends in the production of another world-famous equilateral brand:
The Turunn Tribune urges readers everywhere to help us stop triangular cow products; there is no place in the 21st Century for Tobler Torture. We must use the advances in modern technology to produce genetically-modified, cruelty-free, triangular cows. Until then let’s boycott the triangular torturers: no more Toblerone, no more Laughing Cow!