Brexy McStokeface: Stoke-on-Trent to Leave EU

We are honored that, due to our cutting-edge coverage of Britain’s battle with Brexit, Downing Street has chosen us to leak this story.

Senior British political power-brokers have decided to invoke “the McBoatface clause” to navigate the troubled waters of Brexit. In solving the Royal Research Ship’s naming dilemma earlier this year–where the moniker “RSS Boaty McBoatface” won the most public votes–ministers back-pedaled and used the fourth most popular name (“RSS David Attenborough”), rejecting the democratic choice. To placate any ill-feeling, one of the small onboard remote sub-sea vehicles was named Boaty in recognition of the vote.

This tactic has caught the attention of a government struggling to find a means to handle their commitment to leave the European Union. An anonymous, highly-placed, civil servant told TTT:

“We’re caught between a rock and a hard place; we can’t renege on the referendum and we can’t leave the EU. The McBoatface maneuver would allow us to cede only a small part of Britain from the EU in order to retain membership for the rest of the country”

Our source confirmed that the city of Stoke-on-Trent–chosen “for no particular reason”–would cease to be part of the EU, allowing the rest of mainland Great Britain to remain in the Union. According to our source:

Stoke-on-Trent City Council will be requested to invoke Article 50 of the Lisbon Convention leading to their formal exit from the EU. The process will be overseen by their Lord Mayor who will eventually become President of the new nation-state”

Apparently the technical difficulties that accompany this decision are trivial compared to the problems that would accompany the entire country Brexiting.

“Although there will need to be a border created around the soon-to-be independent state of Stoke, this can be handled relatively easily; the city already has its own unique language and culture and separating them from the rest of Europe is purely an administrative exercise”

HM Passport Services have begun to design passports for the area, provisionally known as the Independent State of Stoke (ISS).  President Khan (the former Mayor) of ISS is said to be ready to assume responsibilities for the new country and will quickly sever ties with Brussels and London to move executive power to the suburb of Hanley.

The senior members of the City Council have been apprised of this decision and not all are enthusiastic. With typical local pith, one Councilman remarked to TTT:

“We’re not Boaty McBoatface, we’re the bloody Titanic, about to sail off to hit our iceberg”

Maybe that’s behind the government’s choice: Edward Smith the captain of this infamous ship hailed from Stoke, what better metaphor for misplaced British pride weighing anchor for its solo voyage?