Non-Living Soccer Player Succeeds in New Jersey

A New Jersey soccer club is the first in the world to field 10 live players and one dead defender. It might sound morbid but the formation has been stunningly effective in local leagues, with Brandon “The Rock” Pulaski striking fear into the opponents’ attack.

This classic “happy ending” tale began with tragedy when Brandon suffered a fatal hemorrhage during a friendly match in Cranbury, New Jersey. His family insisted that this untimely death should not interrupt a promising soccer career and a special “right fullback” grave was constructed at the club’s home ground of Rowland Park.

The Rock’s solid defense has contributed to the Cranbury team’s recent unbroken winning streak. The club’s Coach Dyson told The Tribune:

“Brandon probably contributes more now than when he was alive. He intercepts, obstructs and gives the side an important psychological advantage”

Surprisingly New Jersey soccer regulations do not explicitly proscribe the use of non-living players. Only the state’s anti-doping authority remains intransigent, requiring Brandon to continue undergoing the annual drug screen.

As we are repeatedly bludgeoned by bad news across the globe, The Turunn Tribune is committed to bring you these heartwarming stories. We’ll leave the last word to Coach Dyson:

“Brandon’s courage is an example to us all, showing that nothing can get in the way of passion and determination. Away games have been our only challenge”