BMI “Pandemic” warns CDC

Health officials are waking up today to a new global pandemic in the form of BMI, a previously overlooked threat. BMI is a particularly cruel affliction targeting health-conscious people, typically middle-aged gym-goers trying to fit into yoga pants and swimwear. According to the CDC:

“The BMI season is especially bad this year, the hotter weather makes the disease more noticeable. In the Western Hemisphere we usually see the first domestic cases in May, but the onset of foreign vacations prompted alarm over BMI in January”

Anxiety about the spread of BMI is fueled by nurses employed at fitness centers and health clubs. They are trained–purely in the interest of their members–to wildly overestimate BMI such that normal skinny women are terrified they have an acute case. The Tribune’s medical expert, Dr. Stig Andersen NVQ, has this advice for readers:

“Health centers and gymnasia are best avoided. BMI can spread quickly through fitness evaluations. Here in Sweden we recommend a prophylactic diet high in herrings and apple strudel. Luckily most of the population eat a diet rich in herrings and apple strudel”

Sound advice; even in the face of a global pandemic the world can learn from Scandinavia!