3 Perfect Hours In Beijing

The Turunn Tribune continues its travel special with another opportunity to send an overfed reporter to eat even more and guzzle cocktails in an exotic destination that most of us will never get near to. This week Stig Bruunwelder explores Beijing. 
Most people make a beeline for the Great Wall of China. This is a beginners error; the Wall is vastly overrated and is best avoided. The latest research indicates that the Wall was in fact built by migrant British laborers who had strayed into China trying to find a style of cuisine which would make life in their homeland bearable. The discovery that British labor was responsible for its construction explains why it is not straight or high enough to keep out invaders, except the short peoples of the Mongolian plateau. It also explains why its construction took much longer than expected as the workforce took two tea breaks and a lunch break every day, and downed tools frequently if anything upset them. 
The Wall can be seen from many places in China so no need to take a special trip, just open the blinds in your hotel room and look into the distance. If you can be bothered.
Instead of trekking out to the Great Wall we recommend spending your time in Beijing’s Chinatown; the finest and biggest Chinatown of any city in the world. Just ask any of the friendly native population how to get to Chinatown and, although they may seem irritated and indifferent, they will wave you on your way with a customary win chung throat strike. 
A last travel tip from our experts-instead of losing time with the inevitable jet lag, prepare in advance by pre-synchronizing your body. Simply spend the two weeks prior to your departure date going to bed at 11am and sleeping through to 5pm. Have a light breakfast at 7pm and spend your working day from 9pm at night through to 5am, when you can come home from the office and enjoy a few hours of well-earned rest before bed. When you arrive in China you will already be completely acclimatized to the Asian timezone, amazing your fellow tourists with your ability to adjust to easily integrate with the Dragon’s reversed schedule. Similarly, once in Beijing get ready for the return trip by going to bed at 11am, and spending your sightseeing time from 9pm through to 5am before enjoying a meal and well-earned beer at 6am.