Much Ado About Tribune Shakespeare Stanza!

Just as previous Shakespeare scandals have quieted, a new, more ferocious, debate has been sparked by The Turunn Tribune’s publishing of a rare passage from one of his lesser-known works. The passage, published here, was noticed by an American literary historian who immediately saw a different interpretation to that previously accepted. Dr. Heisa Faike of the American Shakespeare Society issued this re-analysis of the prose published by the Tribune:

It appears to make reference to the American food outlet, Trader Joe’s. Although the classical interpretation of the stanza is that the Bard is lamenting the austere sparcity of the pantry of the Duke of Burgundy (referred to as “Jos’ph Tradeur”, a subtle play in words in ancient French), on re-reading today I saw a deeper and more troubling meaning. I saw clear allusion to Shakespeare’s disappointment on the absence of Trader Joe’s spray cream and frozen berries on his breakfast pancakes.

If this analysis holds, then the whole Shakespeare debate has just taken an unexpected and intensely controversial twist. He would have had to have travelled in time to modern-day America and purchased the retailer’s spray cream and and frozen fruit to have created this verse. The questions posed are not just literary, but physical and metaphysical; they shake the very core of our understanding of space and time, with string theory already being invoked. Side-arguments are rife; the Bard’s apparent preference for Trader Joe’s is being disputed by ShopRite who claim to have seen someone looking very similar to the 16th-century playwright struggling at the self-checkout in their store in Piscataway, New Jersey.