The Turunn Tribune will this weekend, against the advice of its Legal team, release a shocking memo disclosing details of a credible and imminent attack on US soil. Not just an attack, but a full-scale invasion designed to subjugate the entire country. We are understandably extremely hesitant in leaking such an important document but feel duty-bound for ethical and moral reasons to do so. The precipitous increase in advertising revenue, site traffic and an offer of lifetime free breakfast fermented herring bladders from Scrottfroght’s did not influence this editorial decision. While Wikileaks contents itself to release emails from Hillawy Crinton (The Turunn Tribune cannot think of any less interesting document) we will, in our understated Helvetic fashion, release the most sensitive information available on the planet today. In full. For free.
How did we procure this sensational tsunami of a leak? Through a combination of intense editorial guile, raw journalistic nerve, finely-honed intuition for storyline and a continued close relationship with the Housekeeping Department at the The Royal Kabbala Hotel in Copenhagen. They, again, efficiently “cleaned-up” this memo from a distinguished guest while he was swilling port in the cocktail bar feeling all Scandinavianly safe and neutral.
Do not miss this weekend’s release! We will not be silenced! Not even for 25,000,000 Swedish Krona in used currency delivered to: Bjorn Turunn MBS (Hons), 5344 Hurringschloofer 7, Oslo, Sweden, 33-878 (you know who you are).