Church To Rebrand Jesus as “Jihadi”

The Turunn Tribune continues to dominate the internet leak space while also-ran Assange contents himself with leaking dreary emails from some of the world’s most boring politicians. There are no sour grapes between us and WikiLeaks, even though during his brief tenure in the TribbiLeaks offices he managed to steal our idea and take all the credit for the ensuing infamy. Luckily his addiction to pizza and women eventually lead to his downfall here; he is still under a Swedish extradition order for unpaid bills to Oslo’s Hürringpizza XPress where he has a 12000 Krona Hawaiian Deep Pan debt.

Putting aside any leak-related animosity, we are proud to bring you this stunning world first: a memo from Cardinal Joseph Syn, the head of the American LutherBaptist Cataclysm. In the document we see Cardinal Syn repositioning the Christian church in the light of the recent Trump victory. He urges church leaders to continue to focus on their confusing interpretations of the Bible (a document written by largely unknown authors in the Middle East and Greece starting about 2500 years ago) to dissimulate the actual “unpalatable” message of Jesus. To do this he proposes to “rebrand” Jesus as a Jihadi, a maneuver designed to win popular support in America’s Bible Belt and ensure consistency of Church doctrine with the current political climate.

Read this and weep Assange! We will one day get you back to Sweden to pay for your pizza and clean up all the bits of ham and pineapple left under your desk in the TribbiLeaks office!