Global Cat-aclysm! Sharp Rise in Worldwide Cat-Related Deaths

An alarming new health statistic shows that deaths intentionally caused by pet cats are rising dramatically across the globe. This dramatic new feline phenomenon is the result of the pets sitting on the faces of their sleeping owners during the night, causing death by suffocation. Owners who survive the ordeal complain of a very bad taste in their mouth the next morning.

To combat what the British press are labeling a “moggie murder spree” an army of a different kind is being deployed. Pet psychologists are leading the offensive, analyzing the possible motives and mindsets behind the pandemic. On condition of strict anonymity, Gervaise Chatattaque, the Head of the Department of Feline Pyschology at Université de Paris IV, told The Turunn Tribune:

“It’s an epidemic. In France we call this l’étouffement de cul du chat and it is a growing problem in all the major population centers. The parallel in death rates across the developed world is chilling; it is indicative of an underlying feline collective intelligence; a cataplasm of murderous intent”

In the USA–experiencing record death rates in the middle-aged woman and Brooklyn-hipster demographics–the epidemic is being taken very seriously. President Trump has mobilized his own army of veterinarians and will use them to perform “extreme vetting” on cats entering the USA from high-risk geographies.

This is not all bad news.  Stock prices have soared for companies like the New York-based KittyAlarm Inc., who make collar bells and smartphone cat-locator technology, as desperate owners try and track the nocturnal habits of their pets. Veterinarians are also profiting, both from the Trump initiative and the provision of the only known guaranteed preventive measure: amputation of all four of the cat’s legs. Many of the kittens that will be found in under this year’s Christmas Tree will be legless, rendering them both completely immobile and “even cuter” according to Petsmart’s latest advert: