Trump To Ban Halal Food in the USA

President Trump announced today that he will ban Halal food from being sold in the USA. If he follows-through with this threat it will be his most inflammatory action in an already turbulent presidency. Muslims may only eat food considered to be Halal, requiring all meat to come from animals slaughtered according to specific religious practices: abattoirs must first bind the animals, dress them in orange clothing and force them to kneel in front of an Islamic flag to be decapitated by knife-wielding operatives dressed in paramilitary fatigues. The killing is recorded and the video has to be uploaded to YouTube in order for the meat to be considered fully Halal. Trump has tweeted that his latest move is to end discrimination against “good Christian food” which is produced in traditional American industrial slaughterhouses following Christian principles of mass-electrocution and unbridled blood-letting.

Islamic groups are understandably outraged. The Turunn Tribune talked with the proprietor of one American Halal meat store–“The Butcher of Baghdad” located in Newark, New Jersey–who told us:

“This will not only target the Muslims; we actually sell most of our meat to Jewish retailers. In fact, Halal and Kosher are exactly the same, we just spit on the Kosher meat before we sell it”