Exclusive: EZ-Xtreme Home Vetting!

We often talk about “in the safety of our own homes” but how safe are we, even in our own homes?

Not very!

The world is becoming increasingly dangerous, and our lives are threatened daily by immigrants, terrorists and clowns hiding in wooded areas. The most effective way to combat these threats is to make sure that everyone we encounter has been vetted; not just a cursory vetting, but an extreme vetting. We cannot rely on the authorities to do this, they are overwhelmed and undertrained with states in the USA struggling with floods of 10-15 immigrants per year. Now, coordinated by experts at The Turunn Tribune and produced under court order, we are proud to offer the EZ-Xtreme Home Vetting Package (HVP). The EZ-X HVP comprises:

  • A binder full of comprehensive background-checking forms
  • A fully functioning fax machine to let you communicate with authorities and legal personnel using their preferred medium
  • A home polygraph
  • A set of hacked credentials allowing access into many of the world’s major security databases (USCIS, TSA etc.)
  • The IKEA “ÅRSCHÜLÖN” home X-ray and walk-through metal detector set*

Do not let anyone into your home without vetting them! They may be friends or family but unless they’re vetted you cannot assure they are not also immigrants or terrorists. Remember:

  • It’s not only Muslims. Christians and Jews also follow Middle-Eastern doctrines and believe books written thousands of years ago that condone all manner of outdated rituals including mangling corpses, abundantly spilling the blood of your enemies and perpetrating genocide using firestorms and other heinous means. Most people you know follow one of these bloodthirsty creeds.
  • Immigrants and terrorists do not all wear jalabiyas and sport long, sinister, beards. Many terrorist nations–like Iran–produce normal-looking pale-skinned, intelligent people

You cannot rely on your own judgment to ensure the safety of your home! Buy the EZ-Xtreme today and make sure that you and your loved ones remain safe!

* Not included: large bin to jettison liquids over 50mL that guests may be carrying

This is an infomercial to fulfil legal commitments after a prior exposé featuring IKEA