United Debut New Extreme-Elite Boarding Group

United Airlines made an out-of-the-box move today with the launch of their new “Boarding Group Zero” program. Traditional aircraft boarding commences with disabled passengers and  military personnel, then proceeds sequentially from boarding groups 1 to 5; group 1 being elite flyers and business class, group 5 being the lowest-level general proletariat. Market research by United showed that Group 1 clients wanted an even higher priority lane where they could board before having to wait for disabled passengers to limp on and possibly contaminate the plane with their leaking body fluids. The new program is designed to be “1 higher than Group 1”, but mathematically this is -1 higher due to the inverse relationship between status and number.

“The sum of -1 and 1 is 0” a United spokesperson explained. “And, Group 0 members can start to line-up a full two hours before boarding starts, so they have some quality time with their mobile device, then board in front of disabled and military”

In fact Group 0 passengers will board the plane before the cabin staff, entering the plane through the luggage conveyor and climbing up the step ladder from the hold into the rear of the aircraft. They are all eligible for upgrade to Polaris A1 Class and, of course, are guaranteed completely exempt from any type of forcible removal, physical violence or venomous arthropod attack while in the Friendly Skies.

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