The Turunn Tribune can reveal today the identity of our new superhuman masters, ready to take what they believe is rightfully theirs: planet Earth. These artificially intelligent bionic super-beings are already massing in rural Pennsylvania under our very noses, undetected and unsuspected. Exclusive research by The Tribune has uncovered the presence of the world’s most advanced AI and biorobotics program hidden in plain sight. Once seen, the threat becomes obvious, although experts still remain skeptical. Stig Thøorsüuseen, The Turunn Tribune’s lead researcher, fears the worse:
“It’s the ultimate example of the bread-machine ploy (Editor’s Note: this refers to hiding your wife’s birthday present in the one place she will never look, albeit seemingly obvious). Their name has concealed their true purpose for generations: Artificial Machine-Intelligent Super-Humans: AMISH. Ostensibly shunning all forms of technology provided the perfect smokescreen for an unprecedented program spanning generations that now puts what they see as their destiny within reach”
And that destiny? Domination of the planet and its inhabitants, feeble humanoids trodden into the dust by Amish super-buggies towed by robotic horse-warriors razing civilization with high-intensity eye-lasers. The sham of walking down the driveway to answer the phone and using horse-drawn transportation lulled their neighbors into a state of safely superior smugness, leaving the Amish free to hone their bio-computing and nanotechnology skills. While America remains blissfully unaware of the impending threat, here at The Turunn Tribune we will be offering introductory courses in Pennsylvania Dutch, weaving and jam-making. These will suffice to allow us to beg for mercy and then spend the rest of our lives working for our Amish overlords producing quilts, baskets and all manner of tasty preserves instead of joining the rest of the world burning on pyres. Don’t say we didn’t warn you America!