The Dead Sea Trolls: A New Warning from the Scriptures

The Bible and other religious texts are rich sources of information that can be mined to predict catastrophes and Armageddons, yet research conducted by The Turunn Tribune indicates that there is significant misinterpretation of key passages due to religious scholars’ lack of current technical and media knowledge.  As the world’s geopolitical climate continues to heat-up and we are rocked by a series of natural disasters, we contacted Pastor Stig Thørstenflïchtner, Senior Pastor at The Swedish Unilateralist Trinitarian Ministries. Pt. Thørstenflïchtner has a solid predictive track record, cemented by his forecasts of the world’s end in 1998 and the subjugation of the entire human race by demonic hordes in 2010. By combining the pastor’s theological expertise with the Tribune team’s knowledge of media trends and technology we were able to tease out some worrying new information from the scriptures. We focused on the recently-discovered Biblical work, The Book of Self-Righteousness, being one of the holiest and most reliable sections of the Old Testament, fertile ground to till for new insights. One verse in particular caught Pastor Stig’s eye, Self Righteousness 6:6.6:

And certain amongst you shall have extended arms to capture thine own image. And these images shall be sent to all worldly beings at once, and they shalt not be able to resist these likenesses, their minds will become hollow and full of vanity. And God will strike them down, for they unrepentantly spread their features across all lands searching for the likes of others. Angels from the East and West will rise to annihilate the long-armed beings with fire and fury…..

After days of careful analysis and cross-referencing, the joint team are announcing today that this is the world’s first example of a reference to social media in a Biblical-era text. The passage is explicit,  even mentioning “likes” for what we believe is an ancient vision of selfies being posted online. Our interpretation is that God is angry with people who spend their time taking photographs of themselves with selfie sticks and foisting them on their communities using Facebook, WeChat and all the other instruments of the Devil. His solution will be to target populations with the highest density of selfie-sticks per capita and send “Angels” to eliminate Asia with “fire and fury”.

Alarming though this is, the discovery has ramifications beyond this single passage. Pastor Stig had a moment of enlightenment and posited that in ancient times, before the existence of any media, the holy scriptures acted as a repository for everything we now see in online posts and comments. This revelation shines a new light on the holy texts as being receptacles of ancient trolling, frozen for all-time to be believed and worshipped just as we now worship social media.