“Too Late” to Avoid Catastrophic SARS Pandemic

Sources close to The Turunn Tribune at the US Centers for Disease Control have confirmed that the latest outbreak of SARS is global, and spiraling rapidly out of control. This particularly virulent strain is being labeled “Socially-Amplified Righteousness Syndrome (SARS)” by the CDC. Even though we are very cautious of anything leaking from the CDC we did accept this leaked extract from their forthcoming stark warning message:

We are putting the world on notice of a potentially catastrophic global outbreak of self-righteousness of the SARS variety. This outbreak is amplified by social systems to the point that it threatens most of the world, especially the developed western hemisphere. Those attained exhibit the following symptoms:

  • Unshakeable belief that they are right
  • Inability to change their mind on any issue
  • Belligerent dismissal of any opposing views
  • Smug quotients of greater than 80%
  • Inability to ask non-rhetorical questions

The CDC source indicated that the real danger is to western democracies where infected populations may vote for options and leaders who reinforce the epidemic leading to a vicious cycle of propagation.

Research by The Tribune has uncovered some principal causes of infection which, if avoided, can prevent you coming down with this rampant form of self-importance:

  • Use of social media and participation in any type of online “discussion”
  • Attendance at schools that teach kids to answer questions and argue positions without understanding the real problem that they are trying to solve
  • Any belief system which ascribes absolute truth to medieval scripts and assorted ancient ramblings (a good example being the newly-discovered “Book of Self Righteousness“)
  • Cycling: new evidence supports the fact that cyclists are more important than the rest of the population

The Turunn Tribune urges readers to follow this advice and avoid modern plagues like SARS and the ever-present BMI threat.