Smith & Wesson Make Churches Safe Again

These days it’s not safe to go to the service without packing some heat, yet reconciling this with the first commandment has always been difficult. Smith & Wesson have resolved this dilemma with their new Cult 45, billed as “the churchgoer’s gun”. Each bullet is lovingly inscribed with a prayer by a religious professional then dipped in Smith & Wesson holy water before shipping. Christians are encouraged to use the weapon liberally, reframing the act of shooting to think of it as dispensing an “instant exorcism”, a merciful blessing to a sheep who has strayed the herd. Smith & Wesson have been lobbying hard for legal acceptance of the new firearm and several of the more religious states are considering exempting shooters who use the pistol from any charges. The Cult 45 is embossed with quotes from the Book of Self Righteousness and ships with a special under-frock holster compatible with cassocks of all denominations.

Rival gunmakers Kalashnikov are countering with a new version of their classic AK47 rifle—the AKbar47–designed for Muslim mosque-goers, allowing them to deliver a hot metal Islamic prayer to infidels, sending them to paradise fully pardoned by Allah.

The Trump administration is is highlighting this as a step forward in the battle against gun violence and a prime example of collaboration between secular and religious sectors.