Mueller Investigation Closing-in on Stevens

Robert Mueller’s team continues to close the net on Sufjan Stevens. What we know about Stevens is that he was responsible for a a stream of musical hits popularized by older-white-people independent radio stations. He was targeted after a Philadelphia-based FBI agent tuned into local radio (WXPN) and heard a song in which Stevens claimed to have traveled to Chicago in a van with a friend. The description of the incident raised a red flag as it matched the FBI’s intelligence related to movements of Russian operatives in the Chicago area leading up to the election hacking. Computer analysis then revealed that the name of the primary suspect in the case, the shadowy Russian oligarch Najfus Snevets, is in fact “Sufjan Stevens” spelt backwards. The Bureau suspect that Snevets assumed the fake identity of a Christian indie rock artist as a cunning cover story. According to FBI sources close to the investigation:

He pushed his luck too far by bragging about the Chicago operation in that song. In spite of him using a children’s choir and cloying lyrics about crying in a van with a friend, the song gained popularity with a certain subset of affective white thirty-something hipsters. I guess God just did bless America by handing us Snevets on a plate.