Salvation Army Prepare to Deploy

President Trump announced the details of his latest “deal” on Twitter this morning; a project to create a military arm of the Salvation Army. The new battalion would be trained by US military personnel and outfitted in full T50 combat gear including the weapon of choice for the religious, the Smith & Wesson Cult 45 pistol. Insiders are lauding this as a stroke of genius by the Commander-in-Chief; the Church was founded on the notion of Christian soldiers marching into war, any chance to enact this will be seized upon enthusiastically by the faithful. His Republican base will see the opportunity to strengthen US military prowess, and the liberal left will appreciate the cost-effectiveness and ethically-principled nature of the new troops.

Selected Salvation Army members are beginning their training at Fort Davis before being deployed on an initial mission to protect the poor and needy from the United States at the southern Texas border. If successful, the Christian soldiers will see real action in forthcoming Middle Eastern campaigns, where their extra motivation to crush the infidel and retake Jerusalem is predicted to give them the edge over the regular infantry divisions. In the case of expanded United States ground troop engagement, Jehovah’s Witnesses are likely to be brought into the fray to support house-to-house combat.