The Disturbing Rise of ICyS and Radical Cyclism

As the Korean threat sets in the East, a new one rises in the West. A different type of menace: indigenous, invisible and undetectable. Its proponents are fanatical, dedicated, ruthless and responsible for thousands of deaths. An insider at the FBI described the changing threat landscape and the imminent danger facing us:

We created this monster. Allowing men to dress in over-tight shorts, riding bicycles in crowded cities—inevitably pitting them against other road users—has bred a new generation of self-righteous, adrenaline-charged, enraged white males determined to clear their path at any price. Now we’re seeing the consequences in the form of Radical Cyclism and the rise of ICyS, the International Cycle State.

The dangers of fostering this generation of cyclists have been known for many years but the extent of radicalization was not predicted. Police estimate that one in every eight of the multiple road accidents that occur every day in North America are attributable to ICyS:

They will do whatever is necessary to rid the road of those they see as unrightful occupants of their routes. This extends to using automobiles to attack other vehicles and pedestrians. Every car or non-cyclist taken out is seen as a step towards their ultimate goal of a Cycle State.

Statistics back this assertion up. Road deaths and pedestrian fatalities are constant or rising despite improvements in vehicles. Worryingly, there is evidence that ICyS is infiltrating Uber and other companies developing autonomous driving technology. Recent high-profile accidents caused by self-driving cars could be due to stealth code planted by Cycle State operatives. Even our own Turunn Tribune cycling correspondent Brian Beardstein, President of the Delaware Flyers Cycling Club, refused to comment on this story, fearing reprisals. We urge our readers to be vigilant; if your child or loved-one starts dressing in age-inappropriate Lycra outfits or shows any signs of radicalization, for example joining training camps with names like “Tour de Something” or “Go The Distance”, inform the authorities and help eradicate ICyS before we all live under Schrader Law in a merciless Cycle State.