Trump Denies Witch Tracking Program is a Witch Hunt

President Trump reacted angrily on Twitter following criticism of a new program ostensibly targeting witches. The new policy aims to identify and track females who are exponents of any form of non-mainstream religions that deify the earth, dark powers or other pagan idols. The initiative seems to be intended to please his Christian fundamentalist base, deterring those practicing religions that do not emanate from Jerusalem and reinforcing America’s role as the world’s predominant Middle Eastern country. It builds on the controversial Immersive Buoyancy Test already in use to screen female immigrants, and will use the upcoming 2020 census as a vehicle. The census will feature expanded religious classifications for females such as “white witch”, “black witch” and “sorceress”, with questions that probe their tendency to make potions, speak in tongues and recite incantations. Households are also required to declare if they own more than five wind-chimes. A Tweet from the President denied that this was a witch hunt, justifying the policy on the basis of legitimately protecting the American people. Activists are already planning to protest the measures, as a significant portion of the modern American economy relies on selling pseudo-witchcraft trinkets, books and incense to bored professionals and people who go to spas. Many arts-dependent areas including Sedona and the Hudson Valley could be decimated if Trump’s plans result in an anti-New Age backlash.