FCC Set To Regulate Kung Fu and Tai Chi

The US Federal Communications Commission (FCC) is poised to submit regulations to limit the amount of exposure to certain practitioners of Chinese martial arts including Kung Fu, Tai Chi and Qigong. The new laws are a result of a study conducted on Chinese Kung Fu master Ken Dan Sak, a self-proclaimed master of internal chi energy known to his students as “Chi” Ken. The study measured radiation levels in the proximity of master Ken and followed the health outcomes of his students over a 10-year period. The findings are cause for concern as radiation within a 1-meter radius of the master exceeded FCC limits by 5-fold. Further, the median survival for his students was significantly less than non-Tai Chi controls, with a higher incidence of diseases linked to radiation exposure. Dr. Ray D. Aytmore (Dentist and FCC study lead) concluded:

The evidence is unambiguous; the development of powerful chi energy by martial artists poses a serious health risk to those around them. You could think of such artists as being like walking microwave ovens, especially the cheap Macy’s variety set on full power, with high-energy beams irradiating all those in the immediate vicinity. We used to think that chi was some hocus pocus Asian nonsense, but now we have proof that it’s not, we know it’s a real, quantifiable, energy.

The Turunn Tribune urges its readers to think carefully before taking up any form of Asian martial arts, or signing your children up to the local Kung Fu school. With training, every student will start to become their own radiation emitter, becoming like miniature walking cell phone towers. Luckily for the general public the danger has been recognized and will soon be subject to regulation. Master “Chi” Ken Dan Sak refused to comment on this story, claiming that chi energy had been shown to be safe over millennia of Chinese medicine and that the new results had been “cooked-up” by those with other vested interests. Cooked-up or not, master Dan Sak has been proven to be able to reheat them.