Mainstream Fake News Misses The Real Risks

Amish Research is Painstakingly Documented

While the world’s media looks the wrong way, continually distracted by fake news, The Turunn Tribune remains the only news source focused on the real threats. As we countdown to Doomsday we would like to take this opportunity to remind readers of the top 10 risks to global wellbeing and productivity that are not covered by mainstream journalists:

  1. l’étouffement de cul du chat: an alarming spike in deaths due to suffocation by the supposedly friendly family cat
  2. The Yips: an insidious neurological condition rapidly overtaking Alzheimer’s attributed to recent instances of golfer-to-golfer transmission
  3. The Amish: their name has concealed their true purpose for generations: Artificial Machine-Intelligent Super-Humans: AMISH. Ostensibly shunning all forms of technology provided the perfect smokescreen for an unprecedented AI and bionics program that now puts world domination within their reach
  4. ICyS: the disturbing and deadly rise of Radical Cyclism and its evil vehicle, ICyS, the International Cycle State
  5. Dishwashers: a new generation of intelligent dishwashers is in control of our water supplies, stockpiling chemicals and communicating, they’re locked and loaded! As fictionalized in the chilling Domination of the Dishwashers
  6. Public Radio: The Tribune revealed the disconcerting link between death rates and subscription to public radio legacy gifting programs for the first time in April 2018
  7. Middle-Class Addictions: the “clinical addiction” to employee recognition programs that is eclipsing other middle-class epidemics, driven by especially ruthless HR professionals
  8. BMI: a particularly cruel affliction targeting health-conscious people, typically middle-aged gym-goers trying to fit into yoga pants and swimwear, its spread unchecked as hundreds of thousands are diagnosed by nurses at health clubs
  9. Kung Fu Masters: now recognized as dangerous emitters of radiation, with the FCC scrambling to regulate their chi energy
  10. The Boingo HotSpot: developed and deployed with ruthless Russian efficiency, it is now ubiquitous across North America and most of the western world. A brutally effective weapon in airports where it prevents millions of business people daily from doing any meaningful work, shutting down their connectivity and forcing them to watch advertising containing subliminal propaganda in order to achieve a few minutes of painfully slow internet access