Harvard Discovers Students Accepted on Their Own Merits

In the wake of the recent college admission scandals, elite educational establishments are taking a long hard look at their admission policies and the students that they accept. In a shocking revelation, Harvard University detected “up to 20 students” who were accepted to the college totally on their own merits. These students were not helped by privileged parental influence or positive discrimination, and did not employ expensive admissions gurus, essay writing consultants, SAT preparation counselors, sports team “fixers”, creative resumé writers or community service strategists. The discovery has sent a ripple through the elite business and financial communities who rely on Ivy League schools to supply them with well-educated, self-important, but not overly-intelligent individuals to follow ethically unprincipled rules running corporations and financial institutions. The the head of the Ivy League Student Placement Institute issued a stern rebuttal to those worried about the effects of fair admissions on the type of graduates available to run the country:

Even though some students get accepted without considerable external assistance, the young people who have successfully made their way to our hallowed institutions have still achieved excellent scores on all the meaningless tests they have been subjected to during their high school years. This shows they are sufficiently obedient and unquestioning to obey unethical directives in the command-and-control corporate world. In addition, they are docile enough to accept paying upwards of $50,000 per year for the privilege of being educated without questioning the validity and value obtained, making them ideal candidates for putting up with abusive work practices as they climb the corporate ladder. 

Reassuring words indeed! Even with these fringe admission cases the American Ivy League remains a bastion of fairness and equality across the nation.