China Unleashes Operation Teriyaki Boy

China has taken a radical new step in the trade war, leaving Americans defenseless—under attack in their own homes and workplaces. According to the CIA’s Department of Food Terrorism it’s already too late to stop the spread of Beijing’s latest weapon. Code-named “Operation Teriyaki Boy”, secret factories in Shenzhen, Guangzhou and San Francisco have produced upwards of one billion “weaponized” fortune cookies, flooding the popular US Chinese food market. These stealth cookies are made with low quality tasteless doughy shells for enhanced dental adhesion, leaving victims with yellow remnants clearly visible in their front teeth. Inside are strips of paper which the target feels obliged to read to take their mind off the unpleasant mouthfeel. One side of this strip purports to be Chinese language education teaching readers phrases like “spit in the street: zài jiēshang tǔ kǒushuǐ”. On the opposite side propaganda masquerading as Chinese wisdom is written in pidgin English, inciting belief in phrases such as “One bad Apple upsets the Apple cartel”. Some of the papers also list a set of “lucky numbers” which have in reality been selected by the Chinese National Institite of Statistics to be the least likely numbers to be drawn in random lotteries. To add insult to injury, production has been in part financed by charging visitors to the San Fransciso factory five dollars a head to watch Chinese agents insert the papers into the cookies. A CIA source close to Teriyaki Boy told The Tribune:

This is the ultimate stealth weapon; even though Americans have consumed them in vast quantities, no one has realized that they are different to the regular product. We have to admire Chinese ingenuity in not just sticking to cookie-cutter methods like tariffs and import duties to win this trade war.