HR Professionals: “Secret Weapon” in Trade War

Sources close to the US Trade Department today released some details of the “stealth trade war”: clandestine operations to undermine China’s economy that support the President’s more visible tactics. One particularly effective measure has been a concerted effort to introduce American Human Resources techniques and personnel into key Chinese companies. By providing generous incentives for education programs in America, thousands of Chinese students have been trained in American Human Resources management. Further, a cunningly-negotiated program of Chinese visa exemptions and intensive Mandarin language training has enabled American HR professionals to get top jobs in a range of strategically important Chinese firms.  Modeled on the CIA’s chillingly effective Operation High-Value Talent Alignment which led to the near-total collapse of ISIS, a whole range of outdated, inefficient, and morale-destroying HR weapons have been deployed against Chinese employees. Most effective have been talent development initiatives, including complex processes for linking pay to performance; nonsensical personality assessments such as the Myers Briggs Type Indicator; 9-box analyses; SMART goals; engagement surveys and annual performance reviews. Chinese productivity has not been able to withstand the onslaught, spiraling downwards and leaving the country’s economic infrastructure vulnerable to “Wave 2” of the USA’s plan. American Communications professionals are now poised to gain C-Suite positions in several major organizations. With their arsenal of Powerpoint pitches, Microsoft-enabled information presentation, incomprehensible jargon and 1990s-era rules, they will deliver the knockout blow to Chinese entreprise. Cynics who thought that the Trade War was just the use of some 17th-Century economic policies to belatedly slow the Chinese economy are being forced to reconsider in the light of these successes. Information leaked to The Tribune has suggested that a “Wave 3”, involving the introduction of IT Service Desk programs to “help” companies resolve employees’ computer problems, is being actively considered.