Jesus the son of an elite master-craftsman or investment banker? Born in the “stable suite” of the Trump Gethsemane or equivalent Bethlehem theme-resort? All options are on the table as McKinsey begin to reimagine the struggling religion.
The Christian Church is facing a dilemma; how to reverse the trend towards an ever-dwindling flock while remaining true to its core values; values that are becoming increasingly at odds with those of the 21st Century worshipper? In order to gather the gifts of the faithful, reaping the collection basket to maintain its bureaucracy and lifestyle, the Church needs to target a wealthier demographic. However in developed societies this demographic is predominately white and Asian, generally not predisposed to the Christian ideal of compassion and care for the poor and needy. In fact, the new generation of wealthier churchgoer is very sensitive to status in society, and the idea of helping poorer non-whites, or coming into close contact with the non-affluent classes is anathema to today’s Christians. After failed attempts at rebranding, the Catholic Church has now hired McKinsey to place its impressive contingent of recent Ivy League graduates on the job. According to early project briefs leaked to The Turunn Tribune, McKinsey will deal head-on with the core issues of Jesus coming from a poor background and not being white. The consultants believe that the efforts of religious art through the decades to depict a white Jesus is no longer sufficient to convince modern skeptics, and they are working on a “tweak” to the immaculate conception that emphasizes the whiteness of the Holy Ghost. Given the popular image of a ghost as being white, this will be an easy idea to anchor in the consciousness of the faithful, and leads to the natural conclusion that Jesus was in fact white. Other such modifications will be targeted at raising the status of Joseph above his current “blue-collar aesthetic” and improving the image of the birth location. Current drafts describe Joseph as a carver of market niches for the assets of his wealthy Jerusalem clients, who had taken Mary to a relaxing resort in Bethlehem where he had paid big shekels for the stable suite, complete with themed artificial hay, farmyard animals and lighting effects.